Jokes or Funny Stories

Not been on here for a while so thought i would start a joke thread hopefully i am not being a dumbass & missed one that's already running.

Lmfao Rockchili

hahaha...good stuff!

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

I went to the cemetery yesterday and noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with
a coffin....

3 hours later and they're still walking about with the same coffin and I thought
to myself they have lost the fucking plot!!!!!

Bob is at a club and goes to use the urinal. While he's there, in walks a guy with the name "Leroy" bedazzled across his shirt which catches Bob's eyes.

As Leroy approaches a urinal near Bob, he stands about a foot back and whips out the biggest thing that Bob has ever seen. Bob can't help but stare in astonishment. Leroy can't help but notice Bob staring and says "Sorry, man, I don't swing that way!"

Bob, a married man, is embarrassed and says, "I'm sorry for staring, I'm straight too; I've just never seen one that big." Leroy laughs and says "You know, I wasn't born like this, anyone can have a dick this big. All you have to do is, every time you're about to have sex, just smack it against the bedpost a few times and eventually it swells and stays swollen." Bob laughs it off and the men leave the restroom.

Later that night, though, Bob can't help but think about the possibilities. He tells his wife to go to bed and that he will be up some time after. Once his wife is in bed and he is sure that she's asleep, Bob goes to the bedroom and can't help but try it. As Bob smacks his thang against the bedpost, lost in his thoughts of how big he can be, his wife, half asleep, says "Leroy, is that you?"

This is an oldie, but...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for a couple of months, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawal and masturbation just wasn't doing it for him anymore. He asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take.

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the storage closet. When it gets to be too much for us, we use that."

Thinking that the guy was just messing with him, he ignored him and went about his business. After a couple of weeks, though, it was too much to take. So the sailor went over to the barrel and decided to give it a try. He couldn't believe it, it was amazing! From then on, he was at the barrel several times a day and he felt like his normal self again.

A couple of weeks passed when he stuck his dick in the barrel and nothing happened, it just felt like a hole.

Confused, the sailor went to his shipmate again and asked him what was wrong with the barrel. To which the shipmate responded, "I forgot to tell you, today's your turn in the barrel."

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 10 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."

I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

Wow nice one Sith!

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.

"Well" he said "we were married for 25 years."

If you know of this guy try reading this with his voice in your head it's even more funnier than just reading them normal.

The Wit of Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near
hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything
outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone
threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dish washing liquid
contains real lemons?


Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She
said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

^^^^lol that was funny

well the one above it anyway lol

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Good ones tyden...

I got more!

You don't know Jack Schitt...

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

heheh, some good stuff above.

A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'

and this is a classic:

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

To: All Employees
From: Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for employment outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to Get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

The Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Six Presidents on a sinking boat...

Ford: "What do we do?"

Bush: "Man the lifeboats!"

Reagan: "What lifeboats?"

Carter: "Women first!"

Nixon: "Screw the women!"

Clinton: "You think we have time?"

Some cracking jokes guys.

I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.

I said, "Give me all your money
now, bitch, or you're geography.""Don't you mean history?" she replied.

I said,
"Don't try to change the subject."

Big Brother Alert

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!" Only Kentucky was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'".

VIRUS TYPES

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy .

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Female Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Here are some PG-Rated jokes that I still get a kick out of

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? "Damn"

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other: "Any idea how to drive this thing?"

A kola bear is sitting at the bar having a drink when I very attractive woman sits down next to him and orders a drink after a little while they start talking . After a few more drinks the lady says can I tell you something the kola bear says sure why not the lady tells him she is a prostitute , which the kola bear replies I'm a kola bear so ... after a few more drinks the prostitute invites him to go to the motel , once they get there the kola bears says can I tell you something she said what's that he says well kola bears have a really small penis , but he says he is great at oral sex she says thats fine so she goes down on him he goes down on her and as soon as he finishes he pulls up his pants and starts walking toward the door . She says umm you forgetting something he says no she says I'm a PROSTITUTE he says yeah I'm a KOLA BEAR she says wait a second she thumbs through her purse and pulls out a dictionary she thumbs to the page she is looking for and hands him the dictionary he reads :" Prostitute a person who does sexual favors for money " , she says now do you understand he says wait a second thumbs through the dictionary hands her the page she reads :"Kola bear eats bushes and leaves "